It might make you cut weight, but a tapeworm is not exactly a performance-enhancing drug, so we're already defying the headline. A tapeworm like the homely fellow to the left is what laid 17 eggs in the brain of one of this weekend's combatants, light heavyweight Isaac Chilemba, six 
years ago. "If they hatched, they would have eaten him alive," it says here.
Yet as you might ascertain from the headline, we have a whole lot of juicing to talk about in this edition of Quick Jabs. If you're the type that's getting sick of it all -- and I'm well on my way -- we'll also have some gunplay, some public cunnilingus, a sibling spat over who gets to be a fighter's trainer and a few other things that have nothing to do with 'roids.
Quick Jabs
Let's dispense with the PED stuff first. The PED chronicles, part I: The first story is, it turns out, a non-story that became a story about other things. It's the story of a boxer who once tested positive for PEDs, junior welterweight Lamont Peterson, and was said by RingTV to have repeated the feat in a since-retracted story this week. As it happens, it was his opponent Kendall Holt who had the "atypical" test, with the substance HCG (like what Manny Ramirez was suspended for) found in his system. The expert in this story explains that term as meaning that there was something found that requires a follow-up, which basically jives with what Holt's camp said in a statement released Friday. Interestingly, Holt's own promoter Gary Shaw said the "fish oil" explanation came off as a "fish story" to him, so I gather things aren't all so great in the Shaw-Holt relationship right now. Holt also has said the D.C. commission told him he tested negative, which even under this weird halfway "atypical result" designation wouldn't be very precise at all. I did contact the D.C. commission with questions, to no avail. They are a bit notoriously slow in responding, if at all, which does them no favors. Bottom line: Peterson passed his urine test, Holt might've, the D.C. commission has some questions to answer and Ring Magazine comes out of this looking horrible.
On that: I think reporter Lem Satterfield is a swell guy, and like editors Doug Fischer and Michael Rosenthal. But Lem indisputably blew it, and whoever allowed it to be published also screwed it up. Nor has their explanation really sufficed. The apology/retraction says that Ring relied on a "source that refused to be name," but the original story says "sources" -- a key distinction that gave the original story more credibility than if it had been a solitary source. My original reaction to the story was disbelief that Peterson could've done it again, then I made a couple jokes, then by six minutes after my first reaction I had read it closer and noticed that it had holes in its sourcing and some unexplained contradictions. Before long, a few reporters chasing the story began to cast doubt on the piece. Good for them for getting to the bottom of it, and good for those who didn't jump to conclusions too quickly. I do hope RingTV will reconsider how it vets stories and how it refers to its anonymous source(s) going forward, and that other news outlets will also pay attention to this cautionary tale. Anonymous sources aren't always wrong -- often, they're right -- but that they can't be held publicly accountable for their remarks makes it so they need to be scrutinized carefully and their affiliations or allegiances identified to the fullest amount possible. On the plus side, Ring printing a false and damaging story about a Golden Boy fighter does wonders for their rep as independent from the promotional company that owns them, amirite? (Also, I don't think the story was libelous, as some asked or asserted on Twitter, based on the U.S. standard of "actual malice" as a prerequisite involving public figures, but that's just my interpretation)...
The PED chronicles, part II: Lightweight Mickey Bey got a slap on the wrist from Nevada for his 30:1 testosterone to epitestosterone ratio. The light suspension and fine in relation to the one Nevada handed out to middleweight Julio Cesar Chavez, Jr. looks goofy, even if it can be explained by Chavez' pot bust being his second run-in with a banned substance. I don't think the whole "doctor screwed me" explanation from Bey is good enough to justify such a light punishment even with the documentation, and would've sided with the commissioners who voted for a harsher punishment...
PED chronicles, part III: Another of this weekend's combatants, junior welterweight Brandon Rios, has offered an explanation along with his trainer Robert Garcia about why they kept secret that they had brought in infamous ex-BALCO figure Angel Heredia, and it's not a particularly good one if you ask me. "We wanted to keep our strategy secret," as Garcia functionally explained, might indeed be part of it, but I'm sure they also knew that if the public found out Heredia was around, they'd be dealing with scrutiny and questions and doubts that they wouldn't have to if it was on the down-low...
PED chronicles, part IV: Kiko Martinez. Souleymane M'Baye. Hanging out with a PED doctor. Don't know much more than that...
And, finally, PED chronicles part V: The camp of middleweight Sam Soliman seems to be performing a bit of verbal gymnastics that suggest they while they might've tested positive for SOMETHING untoward, it was not anything specifically forbidden under the rules of their fight with Felix Sturm. Or maybe I'm reading too much into lines like " did not test positive for any substance identified under the relevant rules" and should emphasize the more definitive-sounding "did not commit any doping offense whatsoever." Still, I'll withhold my judgment until we get word on the follow-up test on the "B" sample...
Welterweight Robert Guerrero is facing the possibility of years in jail for carrying a gun into a New York airport. Maybe Guerrero, a Californian, isn't up on the rules over in New York, which has some of the strictest gun laws in the country, but how does he not know that since 9/11 carrying a gun onto a plane is a very, very, very bad idea? And while I don't think Guerrero was planning to shoot up the place, or any place, why did the gun needed for a "photo op" need to be transported from California? What photo op, for whom, and who in their right mind would stage a photo op with a gun to promote Guerrero's hunting background in New York, of all places? (Hunter. Outspoken Christian who appeared on the 700 Club. Guerrero is going to test how many right wingers can be convinced to love boxing.) This is just a plain old fuck-up by Guerrero and his team, and setting any views on gun laws aside, I'm mainly glad that it apparently won't interfere with his May showdown with Floyd Mayweather, since the next trial date is after that. All of this news on Thursday about Guerrero and Peterson -- who's scheduled for a much-anticipated May bout himself against Lucas Matthysse -- had the boxing fan in me cursing up a storm, but all is well...
Adrien Broner is biting and licking his way across America in one of the more vulgar displays of prolonged wilding out we've seen in boxing in a long time. This footage of Broner going down on a stripper in public is the latest example of the kind of decadent lows the lightweight is reaching at an intensely young age, and either he'll get it together and grow up or he'll soon be exceeding the limits of human carnality in daring new ways. As Jimmy Tobin quipped on Twitter -- he's running out of room to go any further unless we're talking "Human Centipede" next...
Trainer Gabriel Sarmiento is getting out of jail, and he's already leveling accusations at his brother Pablo and lineal middleweight champion Sergio Martinez of backstabbing. Even if Martinez sticks with Pablo, though, I don't see this as a double-cross. This isn't like the old "injured quarterback keeps his starting job" rule -- you were in JAIL, dude, and if he trusts the guy who wasn't in jail and his stewardship while you were, that's on you...
Japan is letting in more sanctioning belts. The defenders of these organizations should be celebrating. More belts equals more money for everyone, no? Belts for every fight, let's make it a prerequisite so everyone can make more money all the time...
Great news! By popular demand, HBO is going to do another "Legendary Nights" documentary series, this one starting with Arturo Gatti-Micky Ward. The only downside to the last series was that HBO apparently had to promise dates to certain promoters in exchange, so here's hoping they didn't have to give away too much for this one. Also in the boxing doc world, ex-HBO sports chief Ross Greenburg is putting something together for Showtime on Mayweather-Guerrero, which is more ironic than anything else -- Greenberg's talent for THAT kind of sports programming isn't in dispute with even his harshest critics...
Timothy Bradley is going to see a concussion specialist after his grueling welterweight clash with Ruslan Provodnikov. Man alive, I hope he's OK. Not just because I want every boxer to be OK, because I do, but because I'm eager as hell to see Bradley get back in the ring after that amazing spectacle...
Read this interview with ex-Andre Berto trainer Tony Morgan for some clearly heartfelt and smart insights into the uneven but talented welterweight. It's hard not to feel for Morgan, and maybe he's not to blame for where Berto has gone awry. But I also can't blame Berto for switching trainers, apparently to Virgil Hunter, because if a fighter isn't listening to his trainer then there's probably something wrong with the relationship and a fresh start after so many years together is a possible solution...
We didn't do a Weekend Afterthoughts this past week because there wasn't much we didn't already cover, but there were a few other notable results, like the return of bantamweight Joseph Agbeko. Read about the results here, and wee how it affected the Transnational Boxing Rankings here...
We close on a happy note: Victor Ortiz dances on on Dancing With The Stars. Barely. Oh, those silly costumes.
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